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Meagan Simmons Suing Instant Checkmate is THE ROOM of Law Suits

There is only one news story that matters. The rest is just masturbation.

Meagan Simmons Sues Website.

Wait, who sued who in the what now?

Meagan Simmons did – and it’s the greatest event of 2014.

Meagan Simmons is a 28-year-old mother of four from Tampa, Florida. She is a former Hooters waitress. In July 2010, Ms Simmons was convicted of dangerous driving and sent to prison. She was forced to wear an orange jumpsuit; this image of a female convict in orange makes us all pine over the prolonged absence of Orange is the New Black, as we long for its’ speedy return. In said orange jump suit, Ms Simmons’ mugshot was taken. So far, so ordinary. But then ordinary leaves the building, gets into a black cab and heads for elsewhere. Because then you actually see the photo. The prison guards saw the photo – and then. Well. See, there’s something about this mugshot that, well. There’s something you can’t help but notice about Ms Simmons’ face.

Take a look yourself; see if you can identity a peculiarity with this woman’s face:

meagan simmons


Oh yeah!

So, here’s what happened next: there’s this photo of a gorgeous woman being passed around the prison, and someone sends a copy to Instant Checkmate. Instant Checkmate study the photo, possibly intimately, and the website staff come to an accord vis-à-vis the entire absence of ugly on Ms Simmons’ face.  Instant Checkmate publishes the photo online. Soon men start hearing about the mugshot. It starts to build acclaim and pick up potential awards buzz. The mugshot morphs into a meme; a meme becomes a million memes; a million memes becomes an internet sensation. The grumpy cat is relegated to page 2.

meme1 meme2 meme3 meme6 meme4 meme5

At this point, Meagan Simmons’ face gets back to Meagan Simmons’s face. I hate apostrophes. I have no idea if that’s right or not.

So word gets back to Meagan Simmons that her face is all over the internet. This infuriates her. She is outraged about this enormous compliment about how great she looks. Blinded by fury she contacts a lawyer who proceeds to sue Instant Checkmate. Ms Simmons, this is not a good reason to fly off the handle. You don’t need to sue a bunch of men because they think you’re good looking.

Presumably Ms Simmons’ anger came from a misinterpretation of events. She must have assumed everyone was laughing AT HER because of how rough she looked. She was in prison, in a ridiculous shade of orange, looking grumpy. She must have thought, “I haven’t fixed my face, the hair’s not been done, bags under the eyes, no lippy”.

So, in an attempt to put this crisis to bed, I’d like to directly address Ms Simmons. I would like to know so much about you – which branch of Hooters was it, for example. But first I need to act as peacemaker, I want to be the one who takes the tonic of relief and rubs it over your poor, tortured body. This must have been such a trying and sexually frustrating few years for you.

These following words will put an end to this ordeal; they are words that will change how you look at this problem forever:



The two life lessons to take away from this crisis:

1)      Beautiful women have no sense of humour.

2)      Men like beautiful women.

The rest is just masturbation.


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